Help
Sign In
integral theory
November 2007 
Fucking Failure Like A Mistress You're Afraid To Love
Posted on Oct 3rd, 2007
by 
scotty
scotty
Laying on my back, unable to sleep a few nights ago I started thinking about what the predominant things are that hold us back fro doing what we, in our so-called heart of hearts, want to do. What are those things that ensure we never go out on a limb and attempt to reach whatever we've designated as our "potential."
I suppose that in a post-modern setting I'm not allowed to speak for others, so I'll just speak for myself - though I will admit up front to a deepening suspicion that my thoughts are not mine alone. What holds me back the most is a fear of failure. Sure I could go out and try half the things that I think about: start businesses, write and perform plays, write and perform poetry, etc... But I don't, because I'm afraid that those endeavours will fail and I will be exposed as a "failure."
I suppose that in a post-modern setting I'm not allowed to speak for others, so I'll just speak for myself - though I will admit up front to a deepening suspicion that my thoughts are not mine alone. What holds me back the most is a fear of failure. Sure I could go out and try half the things that I think about: start businesses, write and perform plays, write and perform poetry, etc... But I don't, because I'm afraid that those endeavours will fail and I will be exposed as a "failure."
But hold on a second, I already fail all the time.
For instance, the idea for this entry came to me while I was failing to be able to get to sleep (I know, perhaps reaching a bit), but - I also failed to be productive about my insomnia and rather than getting up and writing this entry on that night, or going and reading a book, or meditating, or doing ANY of the things that I could I have done... I lay there being frustrated about not sleeping.
I have failed recently to not get angry at my partner over things that didn't warrant getting angry about, I've failure to not over indulge in bad food that caused me to regain two pounds that I had previously lost and forced me to re-lose them instead two brand spanking new pounds, I've failed not to smoke a few cigarettes in the last couple of days, and I've certainly failed at coming up with half decent excuses for smoking those cigarettes.
I've failed in relationships. I've failed in work places. I've worn black and brown at the same time - the biggest fashion faux pas I know!
And throughout all of this failure my life has not come to a screeching halt. I may have been disappointed at some points, even so far as depressed about things turned out; lost money, failed exams, experienced significant loss and emotional pain, but my life never fell apart. I didn't cease to be or cease having value as a human being.
This is because failure is transitory. You don't fail once and that's it: your whole life is failure. You fail, and you move on. Life is dynamic and failure is part of it. Success is transitory too, just ask Britney Spears.
As is so often the case, it seems to come back to the Buddhist notion of attachment. We seek and desire success, we fear and avoid failure. And in the process we miss much of what is available to us, for no truly good reason.
So, my new year's resolution in 2008 (when that time comes) is perhaps to failure more often, and to embrace the experience of doing so.
sp
Access: Public
